Mr Bagging led Nurvingiel and Spomonie into the MSTing room. They carried a battered paisley armchair between them, and set it down next to the other furniture. Nurvingiel took off the backpack of snacks and supplies, and started setting up the overhead projector.

S: There Mr Bagging, now you have your very own chair!
Mr Bagging: (settles in happily)
N: Now that I'm allowed to pick the story again, I decided to bring us a challenge.
S: (warily) What sort of challenge?
N: Well, I thought I'd drag this thing out of my hard drive.
S: (looks dubious)
N: (brightly) The author took the fic off ff.net, but I had the first chapter saved for just such an occasion.
S: Only one chapter eh? Well, it couldn't be that bad.

Spomonie and Nurvingiel got comfortable. Armed with their usual tea and snacks, they were ready to MST.


My Adventures With A Crazed ElfMan

Author: Emerald Eyed Cutie

Howdy ya'll! How's it goin? Okay, go easy on me;

S: How about over-easy?

this is my first

N: (darkly) And last…

LotR fic.

Disclaimer: Hey, Legolas, baby?

N: (incredulous) How is this a disclaimer? This is a disclaimer: I do not own any of Tolkien's characters, and will pay his estate millions of dollars in damages for maligning them with a Mary Sue.
S: I know this is likely, but how can you be sure there's a Sue?
N: A story written by Emerald Eyed Cutie…?

Elf-Man: What, puny mortal?

N: Legolas raises his bow menacingly.
S: Elf-Man? Should I just start running now?

Me: Do I own you?
Elf-Man: What do you think, puny mortal?
Me: ... Let's see about that... YES!!!
Elf-Dude: By the Valar. ::grumble mumble grumble::
Me: ::hugs sexy Elf-Dude::

S: ::sexy Elf-Dude kills annoying girl::


Chapter One

Falling... On an Elf

kay, it all started as a pretty normal day. I did my usual before-school-starts routine:

S: Buried dead body, preformed Satanic ritual…

be woken up, ask for five more minutes, wake up again, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, GO!

S: And they're off! Greyhound number eight is in the lead!

I did all of that,

N: (monotone) Yippee for you.

except when I opened my bedroom door to leave, it wasn't my hallway. Nope, nuhuh.

N: Nosiree, no way.

My doorway was floating.

S: (Emerald) Note to self, no special mushrooms on the breakfast cereal.

As in, above the ground. As in, in the freakin clouds.

N: As in, we freakin know what 'floating' means.

I wanted to touch one of the clouds, but it was too far away.

S: (Emerald) The cumulonimbus that was usually outside my door every morning was gone.

So me being me, I stepped through the portal deal

S: Thingumie mabob whatsit.
N: (sarcastic) Because stepping out of a floating door into the sky is a great idea!

and - you guessed it - fell about a hundred million feet. Actually it was only a hundred. I landed in a tree.

S: And died of internal bleeding! The end.
N: (evilly) Maybe now is a good time to eat the blood pudding.
S: (warily) I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet.

Wouldn't that be a pathetic adventure if I hit the ground and went SPLAT?

N: (thoughtfully) No, I think it would be pretty great.

Nothing would've happened,

S: To Legolas, or anyone else in the Fellowship.
N: Huzzah!

and that would've sucked big time.
Back to the point

S: Of a sword

, I landed in a tree, and having as much grace as I do fell off my savior-branch. Eventually, I grabbed one and slowly managed to climb down. Holy Ham

S: The Patron Saint of Butchers.
N: Among other notable figures, Thomas Belacci is one of the patron saints of butchers.
S: (grinning) One of Nurv's random factoids.

that was a feat with my big, teal, twenty pound backpack

S: Because readers care what colour your backpack is.
N: (rolls eyes) At least her eyes aren't teal.

on my back. I ended up throwing it to the ground and getting when my feet were there too.

N: Sadly, all knowledge of grammar was still stuck in the tree.

With my infinitesimal amount of balance, I fell out of the tree and landed on...

S: More pointlessly huge words.
N: A sleeping orc.

"What the fudgesicle?" I asked aloud.

S: (puzzled) How… rude.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" Mind you, I'm American - Texan to be precise.

S: Poor Texas, what did they ever do?

My cushion merely growled, placing a sword to my throat and pushing me to my feet.

N: Killer cushions! Flee in terror!

The growling cushion stood up as well, the blade never wavering.

S: The blade neatly sliced the Sue's throat. The end.
N: (grinning) Maybe some food would make you feel better about the story.
S: Fine, I'll try some of that darned blood pudding.
N: (innocently) I wasn't hinting at that at all…

"Who are you? What do you want? Why are you following us?" he growled.

N: I like this cushion better and better!

The voice was so masculine and so familiar... Just give me a second and I'll place it...

"Um... I'm Ed,

S: Could it be? A Marty Stu?
N: I've always wanted a glimpse of this rare, hideous being.

I want to get to school - which is saying something, cuz I hate high school - and I'm not following nobody, because I'm not behind anybody. If you want to get technical, you're tailing me, dude, because you're behind me." Yup, rambling at it's worst.

N: Among other things.

I wasn't even on a roll

N: Down a hill

! "Who are you? There's more than one person? Am I in another dimension or another world?
If I was in another world, why isn't the sky purple with fields of paper flowers and clouds singing lullabies?" Can you say 'Evanescence fanatic'?

S: (angrily) You leave Evanescence out of this!

Oh, and some of my friends do call me Ed. It's an inside joke.

N: (Emerald) Incomprehensible jokes are funny.

"Are you mad, woman?" the sword holder

N: (helpfully) Sheath?

said. Still working on it...

"That has been debated many times, and no good answer has been given. Some say yes, some say no, some say 'Get me a restraining order!'" That has happened too. "What did I do?" I asked, as the blade was pressed into my skin harder. Almost got it...

S: Ye gads!
N: So, what do you think of blood pudding?
S: (chewing) It's pretty nice. It doesn't taste like blood… happily.

"You invaded a very important mission - "

N: Oh no! Spomonie, do you know what this is!? (Mysterious Ominous Music)
S: You mean it's a… (more Mysterious Ominous Music) Tenth Member Fic!?
N: (sadly) Alas, yes.

"Legolas!" another male voice called.
I GOT IT! HE'S LEGOLAS FROM THE LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIES!!!

N: Waugh! Caps Lock!
S: My eyes…
N: And Legolas is not Orlando Bloom! You do not recognize his voice.

Woohoo! Go ME!!! I wonder if he's as hot in person...

N: As if someone who fell 100 feet into a tree in a different world would grasp that that quickly.
S: Author's Whim!

"I've got a spy! One of Sauron's if I'm not mistaken," the elf yelled.

N: (sarcastic) Because warriors shout without consideration that there may be more than one enemy nearby.
S: Kill first and ask questions later, that's what I always say. (clears throat meaningfully)

"And if you are? I'm not a spy; I'm a high school student! I'm only seventeen for Koala's sake!"

N: Koala; the little-known deity of Mary Sues.
S: Bestows followers with l337 skeeelz.

I yelled. That over-grown knife was getting on my nerves a bit...

S: (Legolas) What, you mean this over-grown knife? (stabs Sue)

"Be silent, prisoner!" the sword-wielding elf said, anger very evident.

N: (waves Legolas pennant) Go Legolas! Fight the Sue Powers!

I think I'm grating

S: (hopefully) Cheese?

his nerves a bit. Tee hee.

"Daro,

N: Randomly inserted elvish!
S: (Groans) Nooo…

Legolas." A dude came into view.
"Hey! You're Aragorn!" I cried.
"And, your point is...?" Aragorn said.

N: He then killed the suspected spy of Mordor who inexplicably knew who he was.

"You're Aragorn. That's my point. Could you please make the psycho elf-boy let me GO?" I asked - wait, not - begged.

S: For a beta to fix this story.
N: (evilly) I'll be your beta…

"Let her go, Legolas." The human gave the elf a meaningful look, and the elf ran towards more voices with a manic grin on his face.

N: (sadly) She's already driven Legolas 'round the twist.

"Um... why do I get a bad feeling about this?"

S: (hopefully) Because you're about to die?

I muttered, just as Legolas returned with rope. "That's why," I whispered. "Please don't tie it too tightly. I like having blood circulation in my hands." Yup, definitely God-like. His ears are SOOO sexy

N: I am SOOO gonna vomit soon.
S: (gets out two Badfic Barf Bags) Just in case Legolas stops hating her.

"So, have you encountered any strange clouds lately?" Hey, a girl's gotta know what part in the story she's in.

N: 'What part of the story she's in…' it's enough to make you cry.
S: Make it stop…

"No..." the kingly king

S: Alliterated annoyingly

stated. It's fun making him uncomfortable.

N: (sarcastic) Pissing off Aragorn is high on my list of priorities.

"Oh, okay. Just checking. I saw one that was big, black, and made 'caw'ing sounds about ten minutes ago.

N: Fool! You could be giving away future plot elements and accidentally change the course of the quest!
S: (darkly) I think she's already trying to change it on purpose.

Looked like a bunch of birdies... Okay, that's it! No more sugar at breakfast!"

S: True that.

"You're mad," Legolas said.

"And we barely know each other," I said. "It gets better as time goes on,

S: I am definitely glad this is a short fic.
N: (looks sheepish)

actually it can be rather amusing at times."

"I'm sure. Come on, you clumsy mortal girl!

N: (waves 'Go Legolas' pennant)

We must get to camp!" Legolas said, dragging me after him and Aragorn.

"Enter the insults, Elfy.

S: That was wrong on so many levels.
N: (angrily) Sues have died for less.
S: (shudders) Elfy…

That's real nice. Males!" I muttered.

"Why are elleths

N: Argh! Random Elvish!
S: (sighs) Again…

so stubborn? Females," I heard him mutter back.

"Don't go there, Elfy. I'm the Goddess of Under-the-Breath-Mutterings.

N: Well I'm the Goddess of Cursing-Under-Your-Breath, so ha!

I win no matter what,

S: (Emerald) Unless you discover my weakness: mirrors! Oops.

" I told him.

"Gandalf, we have a prisoner. I believe she - it's

N: It! (Nelson laugh) Heh heh!

a spy for either Sauron or Saruman. What shall we do?"

S: (Gandalf) Kill her immediately, for the good of Middle-earth.

"Dude, if I were a spy, wouldn't I have weapons? Hey, don't you dare go through my backpack, you insolent - HEY! THAT'S PERSONAL! PUT THAT BACK, YOU EVIL ANAL DWELLING BUTT MONKEY! LEAVE THE SKETCHBOOK ALONE!"

S: Okay, that was very wrong.
N: (whimpers) The caps lock…
S: (pats Nurvingiel's shoulder comfortingly) Be strong. At least it wasn't Random Elvish as well.
N: (shudders)

First, they'd taken out my purse and from there took out a - I'm blushing at the moment - tampon!

N: Who cares? It's not like they know what it is.

I have reason to be so moody and angry.

S: But no reason to insert yourself into Middle-earth via lame plot hole.
N: (disgusted) Random floating door portal… bah!

No guy is supposed to go through a girl's purse and take out - that

S: …Feminine Hygiene Product which Must Not Be Named.

while she'd PMSing. And, they'd messed with my sketchbook, colored pencils, and now my portable CD player and CD collection. Next thing you know, they'll think a pencil is a deadly weapon I use to scoop eyeballs out with.

"Girl, do you use these to scoop eyeballs out with?"

N: (disturbed) That was random. I hope.
S: (rolls eyes) At the whim of the mighty author.

a fat hobbit

N: Hey, who are you calling fat? Jerk… (trails off, muttering angrily)

- Sam asked, holding a freshly sharpened gypsyesque

S: Is that a word?
N: I think it has something to do with music… what the hey?

pencil. It's my favorite.

"No, it's to write. How thick are you men?" I directed that to Legolas. Boromir - backstabbing traitor

N: (Boromir) It's much more complicated then that. You see, the Ring… oh well. (stabs Emerald in the back)

- was teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight.

N: Eep! Another movie reference. These are usually bad signs.
S: (sarcastic) No really Nurv? (normal) It couldn't get worse than this, could it?
N: Never say that Monie, it's like saying "I think he's gone" in a horror movie.

I was perched on a rock, my tether tied to a tree,

S: Because I'm a bird!

watching the elf, wizard, and fat hobbit go through my personal effects. Frodo, Aragorn, and Gimli are watching the swordplay.

"Here comes the birdy cloud. ELF MAN! THE BIRDS ARE HERE!" I yelled.

S: (head in hands) That line was so awful it's unMSTable.
N: You know it's bad when we start making up words.

He just glared.

"Dude, seriously! The Spy Birds ARE HERE! Like, RIGHT THERE!" He still glared. "And I thought I was a dumb blonde."

S: The omnipotent main character has predicted the Crebain. How special.

"Crebain!" Legolas cried.

N: (Legolas) I'm still stuck with stupid Captain Obvious lines from the movie!

"Hide!" Aragorn yelled.

Legolas pulled me under a bush with him, while the rest hid very well. "Aw, Leggy! I didn't know you cared," I uttered so softly he barely heard me.

N: But he did hear you, and pushed you off the nearest cliff for one insult too many.
S: I thought she was tied to a tree… (sigh) I need pie.
N: (sighs) I need Mind Bleach.

Lots of talking and death threats toward me on Legolas' part,

S: (Persuasively) Do it Legolas… do it…

we - Gandalf - decided on going over Caradharas.

N: (Gandalf) What is this 'we'? We're leaving you under a glacier.

No one listened to me; even tough I warned them as best I could.

N: Augh, I can't take it! Read the book!
S: (concerned) Are you sure you can handle this MST?
N: It's too much, so much slips through our fingers…

I truly did, I didn't want to be covered in freaking snow and let Boromir see the Ring.

N: The evils of movie-verse.
S: I like the movies… except for its effect on fanfiction.

Well, hiking here I come.

S: Well, comfort food here I come.
N: Well, therapy here I come.

Whoopdeedoo.

"Jackass," I muttered to the elf.

"Antolle ulua sulrim," (Much wind pours from your mouth) he said back, loudly.

"Auta miqula orqu," (Go kiss an orc)

S: Wait a minute… I recognize this!
N: How? I can tell you that was not in the Appendices.
S: (thoughtfully) It just looks familiar…

I replied just as loudly. Yay, now everyone could hear us!

N: Yay!

"Amin feuya ten' lle," (You disgust me) was the ever-ready reply.

N: (Legolas) I keep a supply in my pocket.

"Llie n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina. (You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny)."

S: Oh no! It's Grelvish!
N: What?
S: It's a language invented by a role-playing game called Grey Company, and it's very, very loosely based on Quenya.
N: So there's a method to this madness.
S: Alas, yes. She stole all the insults from their Elvish phrases page.
N: So the Random Elvish is bad writing and plagiarized. Will the crimes never cease!?

SO not true... DON'T BELIEVE IT LEGOLAS!

Both: (cringe)

"Amin delotha lle (I hate you)."

"Good, the feelings mutual," I said, reverting back to English.

N: As everyone else was speaking Westron, no one understood you.

He growled and stalked away to keep watch.

N: Clean lift! They are magically at their camp for the night.

"You're a good lass, I like you," Gimli said.

S: (Gimli) Now fetch me my slippers.

"Thanks Gimli," I replied. "At least someone is nice around here!" The elf glowered at us when I said that.

I fell

N: (Emerald) Into a plot hole that returned me to modern Earth.
S: (emphatically) The end.

asleep not long after that.

N: Darn.

That's chappie one.

S: It's a crappie one.

I lurve you guys. I'll be your best friend if you R&R!!!!

N: That's going on the Not To Do list, along with poke sleeping Balrogs in the eye.

(Flutters lashes)

S: (in shock) Wow. You know how to pick 'em Nurv.
N: Well, you got the abrupt ending you always wanted Monie.
S: I still need Mind Bleach.
Mr Bagging: (heads for the projector, a hungry gleam in his eye)
N: I don't think you should eat this one, it could be poisonous. Hey, give it here!

Nurvingiel and Mr Bagging briefly wrestle for the fic. Nurvingiel loses.

N: (from the floor) Ow… never fight with a Mini-Balrog…
S: (quietly) One should think that was obvious.
Mr Bagging: (eats fic)
S: He's fine Nurv, this guy could eat a cinder block.
N: Is there something you're trying to tell me Monie?
S: (looks away) Erm… no…

The MSTers leave, chatting amiably. After helping himself to some left-over bacon, Mr Bagging follows.


Thanks to Lurksalot at GAFF for pointing me to the Grey Company website. I knew there was an explanation for Random Elvish. I knew it!

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