Nurvingiel and Spomonie entered the dingy, brick building. They had found it with difficulty, in a neighbourhood that was almost completely abandoned.

N: I knew we had a limited budget -
S: Try no budget.
N: Yes, anyway this building is a bit much.

Nurvingiel was awkwardly carrying an overhead projector, and Spomonie had a backpack with supplies. Inside, Nurvingiel set up the projector on the desk, and plugged it in. Fortified by mugs of tea and random exotic food, Spomonie and Nurvingiel prepared for their very first MST.

They sat down in two old armchairs, food arrayed in front of them. Nurvingiel turned on the projector.

*whirr*

Never Again

S: (Author) Will I write fan fiction.
N: And there was much rejoicing.

Author: green-leaf9

PLOT:

N: (Author) There isn't one! Haha, suckers.

Legolas falls for Arwen, but she isn't his to ever have.

N: (Aragorn) Never ever!

She belongs to Aragorn and is on the verge of becoming a mortal herself.


Rivendell was such a beautiful place to dwell in, especially in the House of Elrond.

S: (Random Elf of Rivendell) Actually, I live in the little known Last Homely Bungalow, further up the valley.

Legolas found a certain welcoming peace there as he always did.

N: Until the invasion of the fangirls and Legolas/Gimli slash writers.

That day seemed a bit more special though. Aragorn, four hobbits, and Arwen came up severel days ago

S: (Glorfindel) Who drugged my wine? Where is Asfaloth?

and a meting with the Council of Elrond had taken place.

N: (Elrond) Get that meting out of my house, it soils the carpets.

It seems as though one of the hobbits who was a ring bearer almost was killed, but Arwen had save dhim and brought him to Rivendell. The others had follwoed

N: (Author) Flipping spell check! Fine, I won't use one.

soon after arriving a bit later.

S: (sarcastic) No, they followed soon after but somehow managed to arrive years too late.

At the meeting Legolas had volunteered to offer his service and become a part of the fellowship of the ring, which was 9 of them including Legolas.

N: Lets take this opportunity to eat the dolmades.
S: What are those again?
N: Vine leaves stuffed with rice, and covered in olive oil.
Both: (chew)

They were to leave on a journey to destroy the ring in several days after the hobbits, Aragorn, and Gandalf were well rested.

N: Here, have some commas.
S: (Author) Oh I couldn't.
N: (Insistently) I insist.

Now everything was alright and organized.

N: Except for that pesky quest to destroy the One Ring. But other than that, it was alright.

All they had to do was wait.

N: For the Dark Lord to eat their SOULS!

To Legolas it seemed to be taking forever.

S: Which is saying something, since he's immortal.

Perhaps it were the thoughts that were bothering the Elf about certain things. He knew he shouldn't be thinking of those sort of things, but he couldn't help himself.

N: He thought about these things he shouldn't be thinking about, and then he said, "I shouldn't be thinking about this."

He had to admit that he had a bit of a school boy's crush on Lady Arwen, daughter of Elrond.

N: Movie-Arwen's a Mary Sue! Is that possible?

Elegant, beautiful, and brave.
That is exactly how he would describe her.

S: She has Sue qualities. I will call her... Su-arwen.
N: Nice work.

Legolas was leaning against a large tree fiddeling with his bow

N: As Michael Flatley danced.
S: (snickers)

and letting his thoughts take over his mind.

S: Normally his mind was occupied by empty space.
N: (Legolas) Hey, leave the real me out of this. I am not as the author describes. (Mutters) School-boy crush... what ever that is.

He had spied on Aragorn and Arwen on the balcony the other night.

S: Ew! Legolas!
N: (Legolas) Remember, not the real me.

He was more then upset, but never let it show.

S: (Legolas) Real elves hide their feelings.

The two had shared a kiss

N: (Arwen) Here, you can have half.
S: (Aragorn) Gee, thanks Arwen.

and Arwen had been speaking of becoming mortal to be with Aragorn. Legolas hated the idea of her being with Aragorn and to add that she might become mortal?

S: (Legolas) Even worse, I might be redundant!

That just made things worse. He felt deeply and truly troubled by this, but he made sure above all other things never to let anyone know.

N: (Legolas) Except for Arwen, Aragorn, Elrond, Asfaloth...

He treated Aragorn with the deep respect and trust that he had for the mortal since the day they met.

S: Yesterday.

"Legolas? What are you doing out here all by yourself?"

N: (Legolas) Peeping on you and Aragorn. I mean... would you believe out for a walk?

Immedietly the elf recognized the voice and looked up to greet Arwen with delight in his eyes.

N: (Legolas) I've got something in my eye. (fishes it out) That's better.

"And how may I help the beautiful sight before me?"

N: (Legolas) Oh, and you too Arwen.

Arwen gave him a small smile before sitting close next to him.

S: (Arwen) Here, have this smile. It's not very big.
N: (Legolas) Oh, I love it!

"You flatter me too much."

N: (Arwen) Please stop. And stop spying on me.

He shrugged. "That isn't always a bad thing, my lady." he looekd over her perfect face.

S: (Arwen) Argh! What are you doing to my face?
N: (Legolas) Looekding over it.

"Where's Aragorn? Where is the secret affair headed for?

N: (Arwen) Gerald's Bakery.

Details if you don't mind." he smirked.
Arwen looked down at the ground and then up,

N: And then back at the ground, and then up again.
S: (Legolas) What are you doing?
N: (Arwen) Neck exercises.

staring deep into Legolas' eyes.

N: (Arwen) If I look hard enough, I can actually see the back of your head.

He almost looked away, but the elf kept his eyes on hers.

S: (Legolas) Hey, I can see the back of your head too!

"Legolas, we've known each other for so long. I need your advice about something."

N: (Arwen) Should I wear a pink dress or a green dress?
S: (Legolas, blurts) I'm in love with you Arwen! I mean... pink?

Arwen said, taking his hand.

N: To the drycleaners.

He nodded. "Anything for you, love."

N: (Legolas) There goes my plan not to let anyone know my feelings for Arwen.

There was a brief pause. "I'm in love with Aragorn, you know that...I'm going to become mortal...actually, I've already chosen.

S: (Arwen) Before I become mortal, I have to do something about this stutter. Can you help me?

And...I don't know. If...when I become mortal I'll eventually die.

N: You will die. That's the beauty of mortality.

I want to set things right here

N: Next to my potted plant,

before then. I love Aragorn so much that I'm willing to give up my

N: (Arwen) Favourite chair

immortality."

S: Nice try Nurv.

Legolas stared at her for several long moments.

N: As opposed to a few short moments.

"You don't seemed surprised." she said.

N: (Legolas, looking around nervously) Nothing surprises me!

"I am.

N: (Legolas) Crap.

" he answered. "I don't think you should just give up your immortality though. Be with him, but don't do such a thing. Be with him until he dies,

S: (Legolas) And after that, I can move in! Maybe even sooner because Aragorn will be old a feeble. Buahaha!

but don't choose death over life for yourself as well. You...and I are graced with a wonderful gift to live forever.

N: (Legolas, hinting) Even... together forever.

You don't want to just wither away, do you?"

N: (Legolas) Because that is what will happen to Aragorn, if you know what I mean.

before she could speak he continued. "I know that you're probeley thinking that you knew that I'd say this,

N: (Legolas) because I have been heard muttering this for weeks as I wander Rivendell at night,

but what I'm saying is true. Explain to Aragorn all of this.

S: (Legolas) As well as the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
N: I had to take Calculus... (stares morosely into her tea)
S: Cheer up, mock the out of character romance!
N: (brightens)

Don't give up your life.Make Aragorn understand that you can't. What is love if the one you love doesn't understand

N: Calculus

?"
There were tears in Arwen's eyes.

S: (Arwen) I've got something in my eye.

"Legolas...I've already chosen." she whispered.

N: (Arwen) It will be the green dress. But not a real green dress, that's cruel.

For several moments they said nothing.

S: They just stared at the inside of each other's skulls.

"If that is what you choose, then I will honor it.

N: (Legolas) Because I love you! Did I say that out loud?

I respect you in every aspect and I trust that you have made the descision that you truly wish for." he paused. "You know, Aragorn is very lucky."

N: (Legolas) He always wins at backgammon.

"No...I'm lucky to have both you and Aragorn in my life."
He smiled brushing away a strand of her hair from her face. "You're beautiful."
"Do you want something?"

S: (Legolas) Yes, I'll have a coffee, double double.

"Not at all, my beloved Evenstar." his smile slowly disappeared. "Mortal?"
She gave his hand a squeeze.

N: (Legolas' hand) (crunch)

"It's what I truly want."

N: (Arwen) So are you going to get me pickles and ice cream or what?
S: (Legolas) Are you trying to tell me something?

He shook his head. "You have all of my blessings upon you, just to let you know."

N: (Legolas) And your zipper is down, just to let you know.

"I know."

N: (Arwen) (zip)

Legolas drew her closer and pressed his nose against hers.

S: (Legolas) Look harder!
N: (Arwen) Okay fine! You do have a few blackheads.

"I will always be here for you when you need me. Day or night, anywhere you want me to be I'll be there."

N: (Legolas) Because I stalk you.

Arwen smiled. "Thats a very comforting thought."

N: (Arwen) I like being stalked.

Without thinking at all Legolas leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Arwen's lips.

N: (Arwen) Legolath? It theems to make me talk funny.

He had done it before he even knew what he was doing.

S: (Legolas) Who am I? Where am I?

All of a sudden he felt a great pang of guilt overflow him and at the same time a greater love for Arwen.

N: Guilt and love...
S: (singing) ...Go together like a horse and carriage!

He was surprised as she let him kiss her very gently and softly.

N: (Arwen) Hm. You don't give me a whisker rub like Aragorn.

A great deal of love poured out of Legolas

N: Based on the Submergence Potential of Love, relative to Air.

as the kiss grew longer.

N: (singing) Inch by inch, row by row, I'm gonna make my garden grow...

He became desperate for Arwen to kiss him back and soon enough she did.
Arwen.

N: (Arwen) That's my name, don't wear it out.

That was all that was going through Legolas' mind.

S: But there was still room for empty space.

It hadn't been the first kiss he had shared with her. Many, many years ago when they were only children he stolen a kiss from her.

N: (Arwen) Hey, give that back!
S: (Legolas) Okay. (smooch)
N: (Arwen) Wait...

Elrond had made a large celebration

N: (Elrond) Look what I made!
S: (Arwen) It's large.

at his enormous house and in the gardens Legolas had marched right up to

S: Gigantic

Arwen and asked for a

N: Massive

dance. She had accepted and there had been many

N: Gargantuan

onlookers.

S: (Onlookers) We were told there was a rugby game.

In the middle of it he had kissed her right on the lips in front of everyone including her father. It had been quite an amusing sight for everyone.

N: (People) Haha! People kissing! We need to get out more.

Very slowly and reluctantly Legolas pulled away from the sweet kiss and stared at Arwen for several moments.

N: Not just one.

They were silent for a great time.

S: (Legolas) It's great when you aren't talking.
N: (Arwen) I feel the same way about you.

Finally Arwen stood up and quickly Legolas followed. They stood there staring at each other for a great deal of time.

S: Being immortal, Elves have a lot of time on their hands.
N: (Arwen) I'm bored.
S: (Legolas) We can't stop yet, we haven't stared at each other for the allotted amount of time.

"Arwen! Legolas! I've been looking all over the place for you two." Aragorn came running down a path and straight up to Arwen and Legolas who were still standing there. He noted the looks on their faces.

N: (Aragorn, writing) Okay, we have "Contemporary" on Legolas and "Renaissance" on Arwen.
S: (Legolas) I'm in love with Arwen!
N: (Aragorn, drops notepad in surprise) What!?
S: (Legolas) The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!
N: (Aragorn) I'm not distracted.

"What's wrong:? Is everything alright?"

N: (Aragorn) And that statement is not a yes or no question.

Arwen was silent.

S: For an obscenely long period of time.

"Of course." said Legolas, glancing at Arwen. "You are very lucky, Aragorn to have someone like Arwen.

N: (Legolas) And I am not. Woe is me.

Anyone that is lucky enough to share their life with someone like her is truly and deeply lucky without a doubt."

N: (Aragorn) It's all because of my lucky rabbit's foot.
S: (Rabbit) If it's so lucky, why did I get a foot cut off!?

Aragorn frowned slightly. "I suppose she told you."

N: (Aragorn) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dye your bow puce.

"Yes." He nodded his head and began to walk away. "I must be off now. Frodo asked of me a favor of which I'm going to busy myself with

N: (Legolas) To keep my mind off how I just kissed your girlfriend.

now until we depart from Rivendell." he stopped and walked back over to Arwen and bowed. "I believe this is where I say good-bye to you.

S: Or is it?

I will be greatly busy with things so I won't be able to see you again.

N: (Legolas) Ever. I plan to die on this quest.

Until and if we meet again,

S: (Legolas) Actually, I think I'll not die.

Lady Arwen, it was a great honor to have known you."

N: (Legolas, darkly) Nice knowing you Arwen.

Legolas leaned over and kissed her head.

N: (Aragorn, suspiciously) You seem to be awfully familiar with kissing Arwen.

With that Legolas turned and walked away, not turning back.

N: That's so sad, I'm really moved... to another room.
S: (gets up to leave)
N: No not really.
S: (lamely indicates fanfiction) But... boring... (sits down resignedly) Okay.

Never again would he know the true meaning of what love really was without Arwen in his life.

N: (Legolas) Arwen always told me love is the capital of Australia.

Never again to taste the sweetness of her kiss.

N: (Legolas) Tastes like chicken.

Never again to be in love as he had been for so many years with Arwen and never knowing it.

N: (Legolas) All that time I thought it was indigestion.

Never Again.

N: Will I play shuffleboard with a Black Mamba.
S: And that's all folks!
N: In the spirit of Lord of the MST, we will say one good thing this fic. May I?
S: Go for it Nurv.
N: For this story, the author has a reasonable command of the English language, and it was short. Two things. I will say two good things about the story. The author has a reasonable command of the English language, it was short, and the author wasn't self-inserted as a Mary Sue. Three things... I will come in again.


One Review, from One Anonymous Genius:

great story: 2002-01-07
how could u do dat 2 legolas!?!?!?!??!?! u cant do dat. now open up a new page and write a happy ending sequel thingy for it. i hate sad endings. great story so far though. luv it. reward it best story of da day. legolas/ arwen 4ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Special thanks to:
- Monty Python for becoming a cultural icon and providing me with funny lines. There are two in this story. Find them and win a prize!
- The Mouth of Sauron for "Eat your SOULS!"
- The Barenaked Ladies for "But not a real green dress, that's cruel."
- My Fair Lady for "Go together like a horse and carriage"
- AW at Lord of the MST.

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